The past few weeks I’ve been on the rollercoaster of emotions or lack thereof. A popular attraction around this time of year, normally on it for a couple of days but understandably the time has extended due to what’s been going on outside. Lacking the ability to think or feel I did my best to maintain some form of social contact in online X-Wing. With disastrous results.

My natties (the DR dice as they are known) deserted me. The crit cards conspired against me. My triggers were missed. My ships, off the board. The opposing lists were NPEs. Dog Water cheap spam that I couldn’t engage or the triple green bastards that wouldn’t engage. Every minor quibble I have with the state of the game, in this mindset, became a landslide of insults that would instinctively be countered with toxicity and rage.

I’m not the sort of person to get mad at a game. But I got mad at the game. And you know what? I enjoyed every pulse pounding, tendon twitching, keyboard breaking moment of it.

Now that the storm is over a fortuitous circumstance happens. Word of a tournament. ‘Team Jawa’s Star Fox’. Using the environment cards, each extended list is comprised of exactly four ships using the same chassis. Huzzah! X-Wing 40K edition can’t find me in here! But what to bring to the table? Fangs seems like a solid pick. As do Phantoms, T-70’s, and… Punishers?

Four Cutlass Squaddies with Passive and Protons works but it’s just kinda dull. No no no we need some creativity. Something spicy. Something Dank.

Major Vermeil (49)
ISB Slicer (3)

Ship total: 52

Captain Feroph (47)
Hondo Ohnaka (6)

Ship total: 53

“Vizier” (45)
ISB Slicer (3)

Ship total: 48

Scarif Base Pilot (39)
Death Troopers (6)

Ship total: 45


Total: 198

Four medium base ships that can jam. Two ships that prevent ships from removing jam in the end phase. One ship that can prevent ships from removing stress in the activation phase. And One ship carrying Hondo Ohnaka. A fine list in theory. In reality It’s balls to the wall insanity on an ice rink.

Just had my round one game against Travis’ Jedi. Despite taking locks on rocks early it wasn’t long before the jam tokens started rolling in, much to our giddy amusement. Hope you nerds got passive mods coz nobody getting tokens! Reapers were a handful with their movement and hard to control, something some practise time could mitigate. But fuck it, we’re doing it live. Travis finally managed to get all four Jedi on target and ripped Vermeil in half. The first points scored in the game. With 7 minutes on the clock (we engaged round 2).

Last round Luminara found herself at range 2 of two Reapers with three hull left. Only then did we realise Vermiel was worth 52pts. Lumi was 53pts. Buttholes clenched as the last salvo was fired. But as stated, no one had tokens, and she darted out the way of the laser beams. Game Loss 0–52.

For the first time in a couple of weeks, I genuinely had fun. Fast ships went brrr and shenanigans were to be had in a format that felt evenly balanced regardless of what you brought to the table. I can’t wait to see what my next opponent brings.